he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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