Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
