so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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