I faked an abortion last night.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize