Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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