i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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