Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
