you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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