I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize