they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
