I faked an abortion last night.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
