Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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