he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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