Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
