i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Sex in the backyard? Check.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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