Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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