Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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