True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
