I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Gay?
German.
Pity.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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