currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I can't turn off my feet"
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize