Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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