not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize