He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize