I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
