Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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