youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
