It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
