At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
