I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
