Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
