i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You may now shotgun with the bride
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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