i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
