Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
