I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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