I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
this just has baby written all over it
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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