i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
