I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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