you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
