Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
