Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
