I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
