this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Randomize
