After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
