i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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