No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
