Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
