I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
