She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
