He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
YAS. BRING CRAB.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
