u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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