you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
