What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Randomize
