Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
