Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
