He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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