so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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