last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
