can we get nightvision for the apartment?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
