I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
