I met the friendliest cop last night
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
