Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
