My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
