If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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